Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
