I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
