i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
