It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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