Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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