I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
