i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
