Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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