I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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