I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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