you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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