as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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