Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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