It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
