I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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