made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
