sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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