Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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