i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
