Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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