we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
