It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
