she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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