I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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