I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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