my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
