Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think I am morally bankrupt
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Can't talk, ducks in the car
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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