Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Less talking, more tequila
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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