Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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