my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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