Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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