he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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