Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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