Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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