i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
