my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
