my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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