1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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