Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize