I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
cat food counts as protein by the way
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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