Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize