Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
