I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
