we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
