I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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