I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
