Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we're making bets on your personal life
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
