It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
