what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
