It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
