Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
