some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
