As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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