apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
