well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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