I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
